Silence

Everything is a blur. I am not sure i remember any details, i probably don't.

All i remember is being happy, really really happy. Wishing everybody a Happy New Year, especially the staff at our fertility clinic. I was happy to see them and the doctors.

I sat in the waiting room in complete happiness in anticipation of more happiness.

The next thing i remember is holding my DP's hand on the U/S table, all i heard is "I'm sorry". Those words pierced through my heart like a pair of knives. They butchered my hopes and destroyed my dreams.

Just two little sympatheic words did that to me.

The next shock came just a few seconds later when our sympathetic doctor attempted to show us our new cruel reality on the screen. He said, "their hearts stopped beating at 7 weeks and 6 days".

Wait. A moment of lucidity. Wat a second, did he just say THEIR hearts?

"You had twins. Monozygotic diamniotic twins. Identical twins" he continued. "they shared a placenta but had their individual sacs."

SILENCE.

We wept in silence. They were so beautiful. In an instant, we were introduced to our sweet babies on the image, whose existence we had ignored for 10 weeks, and at that same instant we had to say goodbye. We had to let them go.

The pain was unbearable. So we just sat in silence. It was a different kind of silence though. It was the kind on silence that could be heard around the world. It was an excrutiating silence.

We have not been able to break that silence since. It is like an internal silence. Everything has stopped at that moment, and it hasn't really come back. It is an emptiness that is not replaceable. Complete stillness of the heart.

Next, we were sitting in the RE's office discussing abortion plans. Yes. It was exactly like that. I sobbed. My partner listened in shock.

As we sat in his office we were faced with the options:

1. let nature run its course, have a natural miscarriage at any time between now and 4 weeks. In a bathroom somewhere, anywhere, anytime.
2. Take the pill that would provoke uterine contractions and initiate the miscarriage whenever i decide. At home. On my toilet.
3. Set an appointment for a D&C at a clinic, under anaesthesia, and in a sterile environment under the care of a doctor. Painful, risky.

None of the options were what i had neither prepared myself for, nor did they sound reasonable. My brain just said: you must protect your babies at all cost!

An unreasonable thought of course, as i have just been told that i am carrying 2 lifeless babies in my body for the last 2 weeks.
But the heart is not reasonable. It doesn't matter, i cared for them the same. My heart and even my mind were intent on not accepting this new reality.

We went home distraught and carrying with us that solemn silence that still hasn't left us.
We knew that miscarriage was imminent, yet nothing had REALLY changed.

We spent the next 4 days crying hopelessly. Not able to sleep. Imsomnia hit so hard i had o take sleeping pills. Every time i would close my eyes i saw myself on the operating table the day of the egg collection. Or the transfer day. Or the antral follicle count day. Or the other U/S days. The first pregnancy urine test. The BETA tests. The announcement to the grandparents. The joy. The pain.

This is cruel. Really, really cruel.

One thing we vowed not to do is ask that unforgiving question: why? Or the equally destructive question: why me? We love each other too much. We do not want to hurt each other any more than we are already hurting.
This is an unimaginable tragedy that happened to us. We did nothing o deserve it. We loved our babies and hoped for them. I am happy this is clear to both of us.

There are moments of doubt and fear. And i must admit, seeing a pregnant lady in the street hurts more than i could have imagined. I hope that gets better.

Yesterday we had the D&C. It is over. I am no longer pregnant. I was for 10 weeks. I am no more. It happened to me. It is cruel. And unfair. But it has happeneded.
The only explanation that my DP and i are capable of accepting is that this is better for them. That is the only comfort we can find. It requires an extreme exerise in selflessness, of which we are barely capable.

I debated with myself about whether i had enough strength to post about this. And whether i wanted to, especially since some of the lovely ladies i know through these blogs are expecting. I do not want to crush anyone's dreams. But i decided i do not want to hide my story. This is my story. I cannot sugar coat it or change it for anyone.

This may or may not happen to you, my dear reader. I sincerely hope it never does. To anyone. And in no way can one prepare oneself for this type of pain. And no one should. Live your reality, and your present, as it is YOUR PRESENT.

I am living my present now. The ground beneath my feet crumbled. The rug has been pulled from under me, and it hurts so bad i am not sure how to cope.

Even expressions of sympathy hurt me to no end these days. I have stopped taking calls. I cannot speak to anyone. I cannot utter any words or listen to any explanations. I am living in pure grief at the moment.

I have taken an appointment with a counsellor because i am scared of what his can do to me. I am scared i will not be able to try again. I am scared i have no more hope. I am scared that silence will stay with me forever.

Therefore, i ask you dear readers, please feel free to leave a sentiment if you wish so, it will be appreciated, no doubt. But please do not mention god. That is all i ask.

The Sweetest Thing :)

As it has been a while since my last post, I thought I would post a little update. I am at work, sitting at my desk, and pretending that I am reading some important email....instead, I am blogging...good way to start this snowy Monday morning!

We had our first U/S last Monday Dec. 12. I will not post the U/S pictures here, as weirdly enough, I feel that the images are too private, but strangely I am comfortable describing them, and giving all sorts of other details about my infertility...the blogging world is strange some times...each of us tries to find that balance between privacy and reaching out for support.

I had been really nervous before the U/S. I had done research on google (that guilty pleasure and also my worst enemy!) and read for hours all about what I could expect at 6.5 weeks. Some people reported seeing and hearing the heart beat, other people did not.

The Dr. ushered us into the U/S room, and announced to me that it would be intra-vaginal (I am honestly  looking forward to the abdomen U/S from now on...I am a bit tired of U/S wands being stuck up my...beep...!!!)
So, once I was uncomfortably on the stirrups, the Dr. said: "OK, let's see if we've got a baby in here!"
Which quickly put me on guard. I was quiet like a mouse, waiting for him to say what he saw, because truthfully I cannot understand any of those black and white images. I was deathly scared that his silence would send me straight to panic-ville.....But...a few seconds later he announced that he could see the pregnancy sac, the yolk sac, and....an embryo with a strong heartbeat!

DP and I held hands and held back the tears when the Dr. asked us if we wanted to hear the heartbeat. He turned on the sound and we heard it...a flutter that beat fast, really fast.

It was the sweetest thing...

Finally, it was real, we have ONE little miraculous little bean with a heart beating strong in there!!! :) :) We both felt overwhelmed by relief and sincere happiness. I think we even gasped audibly.

He measured the little bean at 6 weeks and 1 day and reassured us that he/she is growing well, and is exactly where he should be, making a nice little home in there.

I know I should be cautious, as the first 12 weeks are delicate. DP and I have not announced it to anyone other than our very very close family: our parents and a couple of immediate friends. However, it is getting harder and harder to contain the excitement, and to keep from sharing the joy we are feeling. We have decided that we will not announce it until after our next U/S which is just after the holidays (9.5 weeks) and we can have a better picture of this beautiful little miracle baby!

However, it will definitely be the sweetest Christmas, secretly knowing and praying for our sticky bean!


As a music lover, very dedicated U2 lover, here is the link to one of my favourite songs that plays in my head ever since:
http://grooveshark.com/#/s/Sweetest+Thing/3TUOam?src=5

Happy Holidays to all :)

Holding my breath...and believing....

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant.

As the days go by in waiting for our first U/S scheduled for Dec. 12th, I feel like all I do is watch the snow fall outside and bide my time. It has been a week and a half of complete stillness since the last BETA results.

I cannot describe the joy I feel to have had the confirmation of the pregnancy via the 2 Beta tests. It is so much bigger than anything I have ever experienced before I feel overwhelmed by it.
I feel like the luckiest person on the planet at the moment. And so thankful. And I am eager to let myself dream about all the amazing changes that will happen in my life from now on......except, I can't quite yet....There is a part of me that feels like I am still holding my breath. As if nothing can be real before I see those images on the screen. Maybe it's because of my lack of any evident symptoms, apart from the absence of AF, that nothing seems any different.

I am so eager to see and feel this life growing inside of me that I go on the websites where they have actual U/S images by week...and read about the stages of development of the embryo, and try to picture it inside my body.  It is still completely surreal.

This is where my agnostic and scientific mind (almost to the point of irrationality) is most evident. I have always been one to say: believe nothing until you see it, touch it, smell it, hear it. I need my senses to let me know that I am experiencing something. I must admit that I am not a person of large demonstrations of blind faith. Maybe because life has kicked me in the stomach   ovaries a few times, and showed me that bad things happen when you put your blind faith in something.

I was taught this lesson the hardest when I discovered my husband of 5 years (and 11 year sweetheart since college) was having a 3 year full-fledged affair with a work colleague. Yes, in hindsight I can say that there may have been signs, but they were subtle. And that very same concept of full faith and trust in my partner kept me oblivious to it for 3 years. After a very acrimonious divorce, which proved to me once again that my faith in the respect I thought would exist between us after our 11 year life together was completely shattered to pieces, I vowed that I would never put myself in such a position again. That I would be cautious with my trust and with my faith.

Maybe this experience shaped me to a point that I cannot be anything else other than cautious. I cannot be any other way. It changed me forever. I am not sure. It was even hard for me to recognize that  I had found real love  real love found me in 2009 when I met my DP. It was truly hard at the beginning, and I tread very carefully hoping for the best, and expecting the worst.

Infertility has definitely been a challenge for me in that sense. I have had to believe, and hope and pray (in my own agnostic kinda way) that one day I would be pregnant. I have had to let go of my need to control my emotional investment because, month after month, I realized that I was just as hopeful and invested as the previous month. It was a lesson in humility and faith.

And now I am pregnant. And I must believe. I must believe that everything will be OK. Real love has found me once more, and I must believe.

The dream I never want to wake up from....

How are you all?

I have to say that I feel extremely happy that our first IVF seems to have worked and both DP and I are over the moon about our confirmed pregnancy. I have to confess, however, that I feel a little bit guilty boasting about it on this blog. So let me explain first....

Having gone through 13 eternally long months of TTC, full of doubt and fear that it may never work for us, I am still an infertile in my mind. And I think I always will be. Our infertility experience has marked us very deeply.

I am also very aware that so many people are struggling with infertility. Myself and my DP included. I want to share my news with everybody (which are very good), but I am very sensitive to the feelings of all those who are in the thick of infertility.

The only think I hope is that sharing my journey will be helpful for some, and offer some hope. That would make me extremely happy, and make my IF journey completely worth it!

Ok, so that being said, I will  indulge my happiness and my madness a little........please forgive me.......

So, here's the latest on the BETA: the nurse called me to announce to me that it is at 1861 on 19DPO!!!
And here is the freaky part, the nurses tell me that they are not accustomed to seeing such high numbers at their clinic so they are talking to me about the possibility of twins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is how the conversation went down:

Me: Whaaaaaaaaaat??? Twins??? You cannot be serious??? How could this happen if doctors only transferred one embryo???

Nurse: Sometimes there is a spontaneous split after the transfer....they could be identical twins....is there any family history of twins?

Me: Are you serious????

Nurse: You will know at the ultrasound. December 12th.

Me: Are you serious???

Nurse: we will be listening for 2 heartbeats.

Me: Are you serious???

Of course, I am sure that I am getting a bit ahead of myself here, because as I understand HcG levels are very personal, and sometimes they can be quite high in some women even with a singleton. But after the initial shock, I have to say that I am thrilled.Thrilled about the possibility....


DP and I used to refer to the baby as "the bubble" because the only symptom that I felt after the Embryo transfer was a little bubble in my uterus, the sweetest little vibration, so we began calling it "the bubble". Ever since this nurse's comments, we are talking about "Bubbles".

It is all unreal to me. REALLY. I am in disbelief. I feel like I must be dreaming. Although this is the dream that I never want to wake up from!

The most UNBELIEVEABLE of news

Hi my dear friends and bloggers!

Below is the unbelieveable update.

I caved on the eve of my BDAY and against all reason and good judgment I decided to POAS.

Below is what I saw...

I was completely speechless........................................................despite the clear double pink lines staring back at me immediately on the HPT (that I had sooooo wished for), I still could not believe it!!! HOW one EARTH could this be REAL ???? Could this really be happening??? I was so stunned I could not even cry...I had prepared myself so hard for the disappointment...it was completely surreal.

I composed myself, and Caution decided that had to wait for the blood BETA test scheduled for Monday (as I read that the trigger HcG shot given to me 15 days prior could have skewed the results.

At least this gave me hope to get through the weekend, and DH and I were able to smile and dream about this during my birthday! It was the sweetest birthday ever :) 

This morning I went into the clinic bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as early as I could get myself out of bed, and never happier to have a needle stuck into my arm! Bring it on!

I just received a call back from the clinic..........my BETA is......wait for it.......802!!!

I am pregnant.

I want to share this amazing moment with my fellow TTC'ers and bloggers that have helped me get this far. I am sharing my happiness with YOU! Yes YOU! You guys know who you are...

There is a long road ahead still, but I thank you for being there with me, encouraging me, and listening to my TTC madness!!!

I know now, miracles can happen :) and they will happen for you!

Best,

Shantih xo

To TEST or NOT to TEST? That is the question....

I have had many chances through my very first IVF cycle to congratulate myself for all the accomplishments, and the strength that I have shown through the process. I have to give myself that praise.

I don't know what is going on TODAY. Is it the hormones fest in my body that is finally making me despair? Or is it the bouts of emotional outbursts that always seem to be the prologue of an impending AF arrival? Or, (and this is the hardest of all options to type), is it the possible pregnancy that is making me act like a crazy woman?

Finally the fear vs hope struggle is coming to a boiling point within me...this wait until the BETA test is killing me.

I am constantly arguing with myself about the Pros and Cons of taking an HPT. And the emotional fallout that could succeed doing so. Neither argument is convincing enough, and I vacillate between one and the other dozens of times in a single hour! It is driving me BANANAS.

In one of those fits, I ran out of my office during lunch time with the excuse of doing errands and straight to the closest Pharmacy to purchase 2 FRER HPT tests.

They are in my bag. At my feet. Still in the box. I cannot bring myself to open it from sheer fear.


This is what 13 months of TTC and consecutive BFN can do to a person....

Tomorrow is my 38th birthday (yes I know, a really BIG number in the world of infertility!), and with it and this IVF cycle, are all my hopes and fears all wrapped into a box with a nice big bow around it.

It feels like a ticking bomb. I could either spend the day celebrating the most wonderful thing in my life, or........crying in complete disillusion and despair......


To Test or NOT to Test??

2WW: Fear vs. Hope

Been a few days since my last post, but I have been trying to concentrate on resting and purposely staying away from blogs and forums to try and put "IT" out of mind....It is hard. I am undoubtedly in the very dreaded and excruciatingly slow 2WW.

Last Wednesday we were nervously led into the OR, for the second time in 5 days for our Day 5 transfer. The first thing that we saw as we were ushered in was a picture of an embryo on the giant flat screen hanging on the wall. Both myself and DP were both silently in awe although we were unsure what to think or what to say as we had never seen an embryo before. The doctors (husband and wife RE's) quickly broke our silence by happily announcing: you have a BEAUTIFUL embryo!
We both remained silent overwhelmed by emotion. At that point I could not utter any words, as I was invaded by hope again. Fearless and innocent HOPE.  Fat tears streamed down my face despite my efforts to contain them.

After the procedure which took only about 5 minutes, we remained in the room for another 30 minutes, as they recommend lying down immediately afterward for some time. We just continued to stare at the screen, and hold hands and smile at the possibility that this cell could be the beginning of the baby that we so dearly long for. I think we both love him/her already.

So, we are now at that dreaded 2WW. Full of renewed hope and fear all at the same time. The last 13 months have made us fearful and insecure, following the cumulative disappointment month after month. But IVF has of course made us hopeful again, it almost feels like we did the first few months of TTC.Why else would we put ourselves through this grueling and intensive treatment if we didn't think it would work? It's as though all those injections and hormones that I have put my body through were now demanding payment in incremental installments of HOPE.

OH MY! I am in for a big bill!!   

I haven't yet started obsessing about symptoms and I hope that my birthday this week will distract me from analyzing the symptoms since I simply don't have any! I will do my best to wait until the blood test, but can only take one day at a time.

Here I am...accidentally here, balancing on the tight rope between Hope and Fear...