The end of an Infertility journey, the beginning of another...

Hi dear readers, bloggers, friends and whoever else might be reading this blog by chance,

It has been several weeks since my last post and since our unfortunate miscarriage. I have given myself some time off from blogging to deal and try to recover from the depression that this event sent me into. I feel it has been a necessary time to gather my strength.

I have learned many things about myself, my partner and life during this difficult time. Most of those things have been positive and I feel I have slowly begun to heal.  I was deeply hurt, and my heart is open once again. I had lost all faith, and I feel hints of a new budding hope in my heart. I have begun to dream again. But surprisingly enough, I am not dreaming about getting pregnant, or whether a new round of IVF would work, or whether I will carry a baby to term. I am dreaming about me.

Since a long, long time, I am once again dreaming about my dreams, my aspirations, my soul, my body. It is unrelated to a baby growing inside me. Some may think I have given up on the baby journey. I have not. I am simply trying to live my life with the belief that I must live it well. Balanced, happy, and fulfilled.

After much reflection, I realized that the infertility journey, IVF and subsequent events had taken over my life. I was no longer living a happy, balanced life. I have felt many negative things and even made myself believe that I was not whole because I could not conceive or could not carry a pregnancy to term. What it did for my self esteem was disastrous!

It is with some sadness that I have decided to end this infertility blog.

As thankful as I am for having been in touch with some truly wonderful women that have encouraged me and shared their journeys with me, I feel that it is the right thing for me to pursue my other journey: To live life without the label of "infertile" hovering over my head. To forget that it is the thing that I want the most in this world to the point that it stops me from breathing.

I don't know whether I will ever be pregnant again. And whether it will result in a healthy baby, but I am letting go of the result. I surrender the control.

I no longer want to see myself as an "Infertile",  I just want to see myself as ME: whole and beautiful and full of love that I can share in many ways.

I am very grateful for being able to share a wonderful Yoga practice on the beach with a lovely lady from California named Julie. At the beginning of our practice she read some words.
She said: "Find your prana (vital life, essence) and devote yourself entirely to it without focusing on the result, but rather giving yourself to the journey."

I am dedicating myself to healing me. I am dedicating myself to the practice of Yoga which has, time and time again in my life, been the essence of my healing.

I am dedicating myself to my recently discovered Mantra: Love and accept myself the way I am.

I am grateful for all your thoughts and positive energy. I am grateful for you.

All the best to you on your journeys.

Namaste.

Shantih

PS - feel free to leave any comments that you may want to share. :)

"Words are unnecessary" - Depeche Mode

Dear readers, whoever you might be,

I do not feel strong enough to write these days. I am out of words to describe anything, really.
I just wish to share with you this link for those of you who have gone through the devastating loss of a pregnancy, or, most importantly, you know  someone who has, (most people do), please read this wonderful post:

http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2011/1/2/loss-and-miscarriage.html

I will be back to blogging when I feel I can write anything that makes sense.

Shantih Shantih Shantih.  

Silence

Everything is a blur. I am not sure i remember any details, i probably don't.

All i remember is being happy, really really happy. Wishing everybody a Happy New Year, especially the staff at our fertility clinic. I was happy to see them and the doctors.

I sat in the waiting room in complete happiness in anticipation of more happiness.

The next thing i remember is holding my DP's hand on the U/S table, all i heard is "I'm sorry". Those words pierced through my heart like a pair of knives. They butchered my hopes and destroyed my dreams.

Just two little sympatheic words did that to me.

The next shock came just a few seconds later when our sympathetic doctor attempted to show us our new cruel reality on the screen. He said, "their hearts stopped beating at 7 weeks and 6 days".

Wait. A moment of lucidity. Wat a second, did he just say THEIR hearts?

"You had twins. Monozygotic diamniotic twins. Identical twins" he continued. "they shared a placenta but had their individual sacs."

SILENCE.

We wept in silence. They were so beautiful. In an instant, we were introduced to our sweet babies on the image, whose existence we had ignored for 10 weeks, and at that same instant we had to say goodbye. We had to let them go.

The pain was unbearable. So we just sat in silence. It was a different kind of silence though. It was the kind on silence that could be heard around the world. It was an excrutiating silence.

We have not been able to break that silence since. It is like an internal silence. Everything has stopped at that moment, and it hasn't really come back. It is an emptiness that is not replaceable. Complete stillness of the heart.

Next, we were sitting in the RE's office discussing abortion plans. Yes. It was exactly like that. I sobbed. My partner listened in shock.

As we sat in his office we were faced with the options:

1. let nature run its course, have a natural miscarriage at any time between now and 4 weeks. In a bathroom somewhere, anywhere, anytime.
2. Take the pill that would provoke uterine contractions and initiate the miscarriage whenever i decide. At home. On my toilet.
3. Set an appointment for a D&C at a clinic, under anaesthesia, and in a sterile environment under the care of a doctor. Painful, risky.

None of the options were what i had neither prepared myself for, nor did they sound reasonable. My brain just said: you must protect your babies at all cost!

An unreasonable thought of course, as i have just been told that i am carrying 2 lifeless babies in my body for the last 2 weeks.
But the heart is not reasonable. It doesn't matter, i cared for them the same. My heart and even my mind were intent on not accepting this new reality.

We went home distraught and carrying with us that solemn silence that still hasn't left us.
We knew that miscarriage was imminent, yet nothing had REALLY changed.

We spent the next 4 days crying hopelessly. Not able to sleep. Imsomnia hit so hard i had o take sleeping pills. Every time i would close my eyes i saw myself on the operating table the day of the egg collection. Or the transfer day. Or the antral follicle count day. Or the other U/S days. The first pregnancy urine test. The BETA tests. The announcement to the grandparents. The joy. The pain.

This is cruel. Really, really cruel.

One thing we vowed not to do is ask that unforgiving question: why? Or the equally destructive question: why me? We love each other too much. We do not want to hurt each other any more than we are already hurting.
This is an unimaginable tragedy that happened to us. We did nothing o deserve it. We loved our babies and hoped for them. I am happy this is clear to both of us.

There are moments of doubt and fear. And i must admit, seeing a pregnant lady in the street hurts more than i could have imagined. I hope that gets better.

Yesterday we had the D&C. It is over. I am no longer pregnant. I was for 10 weeks. I am no more. It happened to me. It is cruel. And unfair. But it has happeneded.
The only explanation that my DP and i are capable of accepting is that this is better for them. That is the only comfort we can find. It requires an extreme exerise in selflessness, of which we are barely capable.

I debated with myself about whether i had enough strength to post about this. And whether i wanted to, especially since some of the lovely ladies i know through these blogs are expecting. I do not want to crush anyone's dreams. But i decided i do not want to hide my story. This is my story. I cannot sugar coat it or change it for anyone.

This may or may not happen to you, my dear reader. I sincerely hope it never does. To anyone. And in no way can one prepare oneself for this type of pain. And no one should. Live your reality, and your present, as it is YOUR PRESENT.

I am living my present now. The ground beneath my feet crumbled. The rug has been pulled from under me, and it hurts so bad i am not sure how to cope.

Even expressions of sympathy hurt me to no end these days. I have stopped taking calls. I cannot speak to anyone. I cannot utter any words or listen to any explanations. I am living in pure grief at the moment.

I have taken an appointment with a counsellor because i am scared of what his can do to me. I am scared i will not be able to try again. I am scared i have no more hope. I am scared that silence will stay with me forever.

Therefore, i ask you dear readers, please feel free to leave a sentiment if you wish so, it will be appreciated, no doubt. But please do not mention god. That is all i ask.