This blog entry was inspired by the Jack Johnson song about unrequited love. I have decided to take it out of context and put it in here, the idea is the same…
AF time is always difficult. Another month of “trying” has come to a fruitless end. Nothing can be done, and no lessons are to be learned. It just didn’t work. That is all you know. There is nothing that you could do “better” or any new techniques you can try. You don’t get any closer to reaching the objective; and you don’t have an idea of progress. You are simply sitting at the same point as 11 months ago when you started = at the beginning again.
The only thing to be done is sit through the bloating, the cramps, and endure the pain in preparation for the beginning of a new cycle. Endure the physical and the emotional. The emotional is far worse than the physical, I think. The realization that yet another cycle has gone by without success when you did everything “right” is discouraging at best, and it is the reason for the madness.
All those alarms you had to set so you could wake up exactly at 7 am everyday (including weekends), just to be able to take your temperature seem pointless and silly, and a complete waste of good sleep. All those vitamins you took, all those creams you applied, all those hours of relaxation you set aside during the month, and most of all: all those hours devoted to hoping that “this” time it would work are GONE.
How can something so obviously uncomplicated like having sex for the purposes of
reproduction be so unattainable?
You are back to sitting at the same place.
Waiting is the name of the TTC game. All that waiting is exasperating. I had never experienced all these different types of waits: Waiting to ovulate, waiting for + OPK’s, waiting to see signs of implantation, waiting for pregnancy symptoms, waiting for appointments with RE's, waiting for test results, waiting for treatments, waiting for acupuncture to work, waiting for the proverbial “two pink lines” on an HPT, or simply just waiting to get your period so you can start a new cyle. Aaaarrgghh!!!!
And then there’s wishing….
Wishing that the next cycle will be different, wishing that the miracle will happen, wishing that you don’t run out of time or patience…simply wishing for those two pink lines.
Until next time, here I am, sitting, waiting, wishing...(at least now I have a soundtrack!)