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Monday, 29 August 2011

Sitting, waiting, wishing…

This blog entry was inspired by the Jack Johnson song about unrequited love. I have decided to take it out of context and put it in here, the idea is the same…

AF time is always difficult. Another month of “trying” has come to a fruitless end.  Nothing can be done, and no lessons are to be learned. It just didn’t work. That is all you know. There is nothing that you could do “better” or any new techniques you can try. You don’t get any closer to reaching the objective; and you don’t have an idea of progress. You are simply sitting at the same point as 11 months ago when you started = at the beginning again.
The only thing to be done is sit through the bloating, the cramps, and endure the pain in preparation for the beginning of a new cycle. Endure the physical and the emotional. The emotional is far worse than the physical, I think. The realization that yet another cycle has gone by without success when you did everything “right” is discouraging at best, and it is the reason for the madness.
All those alarms you had to set so you could wake up exactly at 7 am everyday (including weekends), just to be able to take your temperature seem pointless and silly, and a complete waste of good sleep. All those vitamins you took, all those creams you applied, all those hours of relaxation you set aside during the month, and most of all: all those hours devoted to hoping that “this” time it would work are GONE.
How can something so obviously uncomplicated like having sex for the purposes of
reproduction be so unattainable?
You are back to sitting at the same place.

Waiting is the name of the TTC game. All that waiting is exasperating. I had never experienced all these different types of waits: Waiting to ovulate, waiting for + OPK’s, waiting to see signs of implantation, waiting for pregnancy symptoms, waiting for appointments with RE's, waiting for test results, waiting for treatments, waiting for acupuncture to work, waiting for the proverbial “two pink lines” on an HPT, or simply just waiting to get your period so you can start a new cyle. Aaaarrgghh!!!!

And then there’s wishing….
Wishing that the next cycle will be different, wishing that the miracle will happen, wishing that you don’t run out of time or patience…simply wishing for those two pink lines.

Until next time, here I am, sitting, waiting, wishing...(at least now I have a soundtrack!)

Wednesday, 24 August 2011


Hi there my fellow bloggers, anonymous readers and friends,
It has been over a week, or maybe even two since my last post.  I feel the need to explain this absense...
It all started so well, so optimistic, and full of hope. As far I remember, I was riding the TTC train, and psyching myself up to enjoy it, but I have to shamefully admit that I fell off the train. And it was not pretty…I fell hard and I could not get up again for days. The only thing that I could do was cry. I felt that I was now on a TTC rollercoaster and I was flying out of control. Thus, the short blogging break…I needed to gather my strength again to face the rest of my cycle…and most of all to face myself, and my own guilt for not dealing with things in a dignified manner. I am particularly haunted knowing that there are far worse things that people are going through at this very moment. And I feel shame for not being able to manage my disappointment…I needed some time to forgive myself for only wanting to see the proverbial two pink lines…nothing else seemed to matter.  
So, after that disastrous fall, I slowly picked up my bruised ego off the floor and decided to get back on the train. So here I am again! Where did we leave off? Oh yeah, when I last blogged, it was the eve of that dreaded HSG exa m. Good place to start again, and share my experience with my fellow TTC’ers.
As it turned out, the procedure was not as excruciating as I had imagined and read about in the different forums. Sure there was some discomfort due to the fact that you are using an x-ray table to perform what feels like a gynecological exam. And of course there is the intense pain at times while they insert things and push liquid through places where liquid has never been meant to have gone, but it was seemingly faster than I thought. Especially as the kind radiologist distracted me with the images of my reproductive organs on the screen next to me.
I was amazed by what I saw. For the first time in my life as a woman I saw what they call Fallopian "Tubes" on the screen next to me.  I was sincerely surprised by the images. They look more like dental floss...that does not a TUBE make!! In my mind, I had pictured them like reproductive super highways capable of directing the traffic of millions of eager little swimmers. No wonder, it must be by some sort of esoteric voodoo ritual that people actually get pregnant. It is a scientific impossibility judging from those images! I was in awe and in amazement and I walked out of the exam happy and confident, and convinced that it is NORMAL that conceiving should take some time. After all, it is a really complex process, the egg has to travel down the fallopian dental floss to meet the sperm who in turn have to swim upstream the same mini conduits...etc, etc, etc.... In my mind, the images I saw seemed to explain my challenges, and I felt satisfied.
And then IT happened: I got into the elevator of the hospital and saw one...a very pregnant one. WARNING#1: they are EVERYWHERE in hospitals.
WARNING #2: please don’t judge me too hard for this next bit.
Back to square one. Confidence shot. Reasoning out the window. It was like a kick in the stomach. My thoughts betrayed me faster than I could even think them: "why HER and not ME??" In the 3 min elevator ride together, I scrutinized her silently for any obvious sign of fertility (aside from her beautiful bulging belly, of course) that I may be able to mimic or take a pill for, or improve somehow. I am still uncertain what those fertility signs are, but I am determined to spot them one day! I exited the elevator full of guilt and remorse for thinking all those things that should never be thought. Once again, I felt nauseous, like I was about to fall off the TTC train.

Somehow, I am managing to hang on to a smidgen of hope until my next appointment with our RE when I can sit across the desk and look at him with a monstrous question mark on my face! NOW WHAT?

The whole thing seems....inconceivable...(PUN intended)!

Thursday, 11 August 2011

The TTC Train: Can I get off next STOP please!

After my first post, I am unsure what blogging etiquette says about frequency of posts...every day, every second day, once a week? I imagine I will soon find a just balance..

Between BLOG entries, I have decided that since I am at the beginning of my fertility challenges, I will have to take things one day at a time. One stop at a time. I don't know why, but I keep visualizing this journey as a ride on the TTC train!

I have often struggled with why I am on this train. This is where the "unexplained" part of the infertility comes in! Ever since I can remember, people have mysteriously always gotten pregnant around me without further ado...And, most importantly, Mom never told me about this! She always warned me against becoming pregnant, and scared me with stories of how easy it is to "slip up" and  TA-DA! Clearly such a simple story should have raised some doubts in its veracity, but either my lack of knowledge or trusting nature, made me not question it for many years since my adolescence. Truth be told, I feel a little deceived, but I cannot cry over spilled milk. And tempting as it may seem, I cannot keep blaming my parents for everything. And, most importantly, I cannot turn back time: I am 37 and riding this train for the first time.

Although it may have been by accident that I find myself blogging about Infertility, starting this blog has actually allowed me to overcome a mental hurdle: accepting that I am on this journey. I don't know how I got here, or why I have to be on this God-forsaken train, but the questions portion of this segment is OVER. My ticket has been bought, and I am on board!

And the next stop has an unpronounceable name:  Hysterosalpingogram!!! a.k.a. HSG (thank god for acronyms!). It is essentially an uncomfortable, and often painful diagnostic test, an X-ray test that examines the inside of uterus and fallopian tubes and the surrounding area. See the link for detailed info:

I must stop here for a minute to express my utmost surprise at the fact that I am both deathly scared of this procedure and eagerly looking forward to it at the same time. I am looking forward to it, because google has allowed me to find out with a few mere key strokes that, despite how torturous a procedure, fertility may increase for the 3 or 4 cycles following the HSG. And all of us on the TTC train know that any chance, as small as it may seem, to increase the chances of getting off at the next stop, can become the hope that keeps us doing these horrid procedures.

That is actually what keeps us TTC riders going throughout the entire journey, the hope that the next stop will be OUR stop. 

The thing is, this TTC train fantasy is greatly helping me to deal with the process.And even though I want to get off the train ASAP, I am also sure it is a train I did not want to miss...let's hope it's not too bumpy a ride! 

Until next thoughts are with my fellow TTC riders.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Accidental Infertility: Blogging DAY 1

It is accidental that I am here. All of it is by accident, really. I didn't plan any of it.

I accidentally discovered blogging while on TTC sites. I accidentally discovered my EX-husband was cheating on me via a random sms. And I accidentally met my new partner 2 yrs ago, fell in love, and am now on the baby journey.

Even the Infertility that I am suffering must be by accident, when I think of it logically. The only problem is that TTC isn't logical. It is too biological, hormonal and emotional to be logical!
That is what makes it true madness...there is no explanation, no rhyme or reason.
Nothing about this TTC road has been what I expected. Excuse me for saying this, but I expected it to make sense.

When my partner and I decided to start TTC for baby#1 in October 2010, I booked an appoinment with my family doctor to announce to him that I was going to start TTC. We went to him seeking wisdom and advice about how to make a baby. I innocently asked him: Doctor, what should I do to become pregnant? He cynically grinned at me and said: just have a lot of SEX.
Whaaat?? What a disappointment. THIS was his expert medical advice after 7+ yrs of medical school??

Logic would dictate that 1+1 = least that is what we have been taught all these years...remember all those high school algebra classes??How hard could it be really?

In these 10 months I have tried every natural remedy under the sun: Vitex, EPO, prenatal vitamins, the ever so humiliating pillows under my hips after BD, raising legs, BD every day, BD every second day, acupuncture, fertility yoga, sports, healthy eating, and including that dreaded RELAXING advice (romantic escapes with DH, massages, meditation, etc. etc.) I am..........

Maybe now I understand that infuriating medical advice. KISS.

I am trying to take my doctor's advice, my heart and soul are in this. Trying to keep things simple. What is not so simple is staying sane throughout this process, and this is where this blog comes in...completely by accident.

And you, my dear reader, whoever you are, are probably also here by accident...whatever brought you here doesn't matter, just know, that you, much like I...are not alone...