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Wednesday, 7 March 2012

The end of an Infertility journey, the beginning of another...

Hi dear readers, bloggers, friends and whoever else might be reading this blog by chance,

It has been several weeks since my last post and since our unfortunate miscarriage. I have given myself some time off from blogging to deal and try to recover from the depression that this event sent me into. I feel it has been a necessary time to gather my strength.

I have learned many things about myself, my partner and life during this difficult time. Most of those things have been positive and I feel I have slowly begun to heal.  I was deeply hurt, and my heart is open once again. I had lost all faith, and I feel hints of a new budding hope in my heart. I have begun to dream again. But surprisingly enough, I am not dreaming about getting pregnant, or whether a new round of IVF would work, or whether I will carry a baby to term. I am dreaming about me.

Since a long, long time, I am once again dreaming about my dreams, my aspirations, my soul, my body. It is unrelated to a baby growing inside me. Some may think I have given up on the baby journey. I have not. I am simply trying to live my life with the belief that I must live it well. Balanced, happy, and fulfilled.

After much reflection, I realized that the infertility journey, IVF and subsequent events had taken over my life. I was no longer living a happy, balanced life. I have felt many negative things and even made myself believe that I was not whole because I could not conceive or could not carry a pregnancy to term. What it did for my self esteem was disastrous!

It is with some sadness that I have decided to end this infertility blog.

As thankful as I am for having been in touch with some truly wonderful women that have encouraged me and shared their journeys with me, I feel that it is the right thing for me to pursue my other journey: To live life without the label of "infertile" hovering over my head. To forget that it is the thing that I want the most in this world to the point that it stops me from breathing.

I don't know whether I will ever be pregnant again. And whether it will result in a healthy baby, but I am letting go of the result. I surrender the control.

I no longer want to see myself as an "Infertile",  I just want to see myself as ME: whole and beautiful and full of love that I can share in many ways.

I am very grateful for being able to share a wonderful Yoga practice on the beach with a lovely lady from California named Julie. At the beginning of our practice she read some words.
She said: "Find your prana (vital life, essence) and devote yourself entirely to it without focusing on the result, but rather giving yourself to the journey."

I am dedicating myself to healing me. I am dedicating myself to the practice of Yoga which has, time and time again in my life, been the essence of my healing.

I am dedicating myself to my recently discovered Mantra: Love and accept myself the way I am.

I am grateful for all your thoughts and positive energy. I am grateful for you.

All the best to you on your journeys.



PS - feel free to leave any comments that you may want to share. :)