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Tuesday, 27 September 2011

DAY 32: The road to baby is paved with utter confusion!

Today is CD32 for me, and in many cases that would not be significant, but as a woman that has had short cycles her entire life (ranging between 25 -26 days) it is nothing short of bewildering. No sign of AF anywhere. No symptoms that it is about to show either. No bloating, no cramps, no dull headaches, no sore legs, back, etc...NOTHING. In fact it that lack of symptoms has been significant.
WOW! Amazing! And encouraging...could we have finally done something right this cycle and beaten the extremely low odds?

I have spent the last week dreaming about that possibility. Every day that AF didn't show up, was another day that I got to fantasize that I could actually be pregnant. PREGNANT, just like everybody else!
I have fantasized about what it would be like to be able to announce it to my loving DP. I even pictured those beautiful and evasive two pink lines on an HPT, how I may be able to get my very own two pink lines, and how that could relieve us from the torture of the upcoming IVF, and further TTC cycles, more negative Hpt's and other various forms of TTC torture. The idea that I may be able to avoid doing horrible and invasive treatments to my body was pure bliss.

As each AF-free day passed I could take the fantasy even further: I would imagine myself with a huge belly and a beautiful life growing inside it. I imagined that our days would from now on, potentially be filled with a hopeful wait to meet our little one. Doctor's visits, ultrasounds where we could see our little one, and tears at the sound of a baby's heartbeat, baby clothes, crying relatives, choosing the paint for the nursery, etc, etc, etc.............................................................................................................................
UNTIL a little device by the name of FRER HPT (most TTC'ers know that acronym quite well!) has chemically and cruelly crushed all my dreams in a mere 3 minutes this morning. BFN.  :(

I haven't cried this time around, but I am equally disappointed. I guess I have grown accustomed to the disappointment. But, to make matters worse, I am left completely confused. Is nature trying to mess with my head??? Infertility is cruel enough, in my opinion, why would nature be doubly cruel? Why would it give you false hope? Why would it draw things out this way? I have always been a fan of the short, sweet and to the point approach to handling disappointment. Nature seems to not agree with this approach.

So, in order to save me all the extra torture, I have decided that it must be an accurate result: Nature cannot be that cruel!

My DP wants me to go get a blood test at the doctor's, as he still has hope that it could be a false negative, but I just want to wait it out. I am pretty sure that a BFN announced by a nurse who will look at me with sympathetic eyes will make me break down into inconsolable tears.And I just want to avoid myself the pain and the embarrassment.

So, since I have decided that it must be the right result. I am now left to try and answer all the other hard questions: why is AF not here? Is it due to hormonal imbalance (as if we did not have enough factors working against us already, adding hormonal imbalance to the mix is just depressing!)? Am I slowly inching closer to menopause and reduced ovarian reserve? Are my reproductive days counted?  And so on and so forth.

Those questions are too scary.

TTC is all about management, so I have decided to manage by willfully ignoring those questions for the moment. But, my dear anonymous readers, I am utterly confused.
Nothing about trying to become pregnant has been clear, easy, and straight forward up to now................the road to baby is paved with utter confusion!

Tuesday, 13 September 2011


It is amazing how much a number can affect one's life. 2%. That is our number. That is the percentage  probability that our RE has assigned to us as our chance to conceive naturally at any given cycle. Granted. He may be wrong (it does seem surprisingly low), but for now, that is the number that we have floating above our heads as we go through our TTC life.

This number has had severe implications on our everyday life. I think we both feel some relief to finally know what we are dealing with, but when RE announced his expert opinion: 2%, it has had an effect similar to that of a nuclear bomb. An Infertility nuclear bomb, as I like to call it. And it has unexpectedly pushed us to levels of stress that we had not previously experienced. Only this time, for the first time, we are going through it together.

Allow me to put this in context:
DP has been extremely supportive through all the appointments, infertility investigations, blood tests, HSG's, information sessions, etc. He has in fact, been the rock, the foundation and the relentless strength that has kept me going through all the uncomfortable and disappointing moments that would have otherwise beaten me down to the point of surrender. He has consistently picked me up and led the way. He has been strong and relentless.
I, on the other hand, have allowed myself the luxury of having the cyclical breakdowns, crying spurts, and other various expressions of grief along the way. And at times, during my temporary bouts of infertility madness,  I have, occasionally (and I admit this with complete shame), confused his even-toned temper with a lack of interest or concern for our "condition". Thankfully, he has had the patience and love to always reassure me.

For his strength and stability, I am forever grateful, and I love him endlessly.

All of this, in combination with the most recent set of news from our doctors (that damn 2%, and the realization that we are dealing with multiple infertility issues: a slightly reduced ovarian reserve and a low motility count) are making it virtually impossible to conceive on our own AND it has finally proved to be too much, even for my even-toned husband.
I did not realize how much stress had built up in him. And just how much this damn infertility has affected him, until he himself has began to show signs of severe stress. One morning he found himself shouting at nothing and no-one in morning rush-hour traffic, while I sat next to him silently. He did not know how or why, and I could sadly relate.
I ached to hug him. Take him in my arms and tell him everything would be ok, like the countless times he has done that for me, but at that exact moment, I felt letting him have his very own fertility melt-down was the best thing to do. And indeed, after some deep breaths, it passed. But the reality is that the effects of this process are very real for both of us, and every so often the stress surfaces at the most unexpected of times.

Despite that awful 2% bomb that was dropped on us, we have been told there are solutions at our disposal. It comes in the form of a 3-letter magic acronym: I-V-F. Apparently without this wondrous technology, we would live with the dreaded 2% above our infertile heads indefinitely. And while we are told it's not impossible to conceive naturally, nobody knows how long it would take....and that is the problem...TIME.

So, IVF it is!

Let it be so...

Thursday, 1 September 2011


Today's post should be short.
I already shed many tears yesterday about IF, about not being able to conceive easily, etc etc...I cannot afford (emotionally) to be doing that everyday. After all, I am at the beginning of my TTC journey, and I may have to brace myself for what's ahead. As I discover and read more blogs, I learn that it could be a long road (even longer than the long road we feel we have already traveled!) or hopefully not...

One thing is for sure...Through this journey, I am slowly understanding the levels of complexity of Infertility and its effects. Everyday a new level is revealed to me in a different and unexpected way.

Yesterday it was while I had lunch with my mother. I am sure that in her busy and productive mother-of-two-life, she never prepared herself to deal with infertility. She never had to. She got married at 24, pregnant on her first try at 25 and did it all over again 3.5 yrs later. She always complained how hard "being a mother" was, so I am pretty sure she never even gave a single thought to how equally hard "not being a mother" could be....
And now there I was staring her in the face, sharing my story, my struggle, bearing my soul, and feeling somewhat ashamed by it, and to be honest, she looked completely stunned. Quiet. She, who normally is a full of advice and words of wisdom, was speechless. She could not utter a word, or share a story. She normally has an opinion, a decisive one usually, where she tells me what to do and says: "trust me, I know, I am your mother." or "listen to my experience" in a loving and matter-of-fact way. NO. Not this time. She could not share any maternal advice on this topic. She just sat there quietly, scared to even ask questions. Tentative.
At some points, I thought to myself that she had no idea how to relate to me when I explained what a difficult road it is, how it is hard to go through the heartbreak every month and still keep the hope alive...I think she may have even thought that I was exaggerating the feelings...I feared that she may be thinking: "it can't be that bad...after all, we are 'only' talking about getting pregnant, not an illness or anything" At which time I had to compare IF to cancer in order to see an ounce of sympathy...(maybe I over did it, but I needed to see a reaction!)

Then it hit me, awareness....there is no awareness about infertility! It is a medical condition that is never talked about, discussed, or taught in schools. Parents never pass down any knowledge or thoughts about not being able to conceive. It is taboo. An it is certainly not seen as a medical condition worthy of help.

We all grew up knowing of that ONE strange, and eerie couple in the neighbourhood that never had children. Many gossiped about them. Many called them frivoulous (for all those holidays they were able to take: French riviera, Taiwan, Russia, Japan, India, Mali), or selfish (for renovating their homes, or buying a new sports car, or going to the hairdresser..of course, they have no children think about) and many pitied them for being "barren" as if it was a punishment from above...but none ever saw them as people possibly suffering from a medical condition. No one supported them. No one rallied around them and comforted them. No one talked to them. SILENCE.

ENOUGH. We must break the infertility silence. We must make society aware that this is a problem that is real. It exists. It is a condition, an illness, a medical problem. We must break those taboos and teach people about it so they may become more sensitive and stop hurting us with their ignorant advice to "JUST RELAX."

In the spirit of this, I wanted to dedicate today's post to increasing this awareness, instead of just ranting about my inability to conceive, and the usual pity-party.

I invite you all dear anonymous readers to read a wonderful article about infertility:

And most of all I invite you to share them with people who do not suffer infertility, maybe even starting with your close family members...send it to your sister, mother, father, friend...let us educate them so they can help us.

Let us all be aware...let us not be alone...