Today is CD32 for me, and in many cases that would not be significant, but as a woman that has had short cycles her entire life (ranging between 25 -26 days) it is nothing short of bewildering. No sign of AF anywhere. No symptoms that it is about to show either. No bloating, no cramps, no dull headaches, no sore legs, back, etc...NOTHING. In fact it that lack of symptoms has been significant.
WOW! Amazing! And encouraging...could we have finally done something right this cycle and beaten the extremely low odds?
I have spent the last week dreaming about that possibility. Every day that AF didn't show up, was another day that I got to fantasize that I could actually be pregnant. PREGNANT, just like everybody else!
I have fantasized about what it would be like to be able to announce it to my loving DP. I even pictured those beautiful and evasive two pink lines on an HPT, how I may be able to get my very own two pink lines, and how that could relieve us from the torture of the upcoming IVF, and further TTC cycles, more negative Hpt's and other various forms of TTC torture. The idea that I may be able to avoid doing horrible and invasive treatments to my body was pure bliss.
As each AF-free day passed I could take the fantasy even further: I would imagine myself with a huge belly and a beautiful life growing inside it. I imagined that our days would from now on, potentially be filled with a hopeful wait to meet our little one. Doctor's visits, ultrasounds where we could see our little one, and tears at the sound of a baby's heartbeat, baby clothes, crying relatives, choosing the paint for the nursery, etc, etc, etc.............................................................................................................................
UNTIL a little device by the name of FRER HPT (most TTC'ers know that acronym quite well!) has chemically and cruelly crushed all my dreams in a mere 3 minutes this morning. BFN. :(
I haven't cried this time around, but I am equally disappointed. I guess I have grown accustomed to the disappointment. But, to make matters worse, I am left completely confused. Is nature trying to mess with my head??? Infertility is cruel enough, in my opinion, why would nature be doubly cruel? Why would it give you false hope? Why would it draw things out this way? I have always been a fan of the short, sweet and to the point approach to handling disappointment. Nature seems to not agree with this approach.
So, in order to save me all the extra torture, I have decided that it must be an accurate result: Nature cannot be that cruel!
My DP wants me to go get a blood test at the doctor's, as he still has hope that it could be a false negative, but I just want to wait it out. I am pretty sure that a BFN announced by a nurse who will look at me with sympathetic eyes will make me break down into inconsolable tears.And I just want to avoid myself the pain and the embarrassment.
So, since I have decided that it must be the right result. I am now left to try and answer all the other hard questions: why is AF not here? Is it due to hormonal imbalance (as if we did not have enough factors working against us already, adding hormonal imbalance to the mix is just depressing!)? Am I slowly inching closer to menopause and reduced ovarian reserve? Are my reproductive days counted? And so on and so forth.
Those questions are too scary.
TTC is all about management, so I have decided to manage by willfully ignoring those questions for the moment. But, my dear anonymous readers, I am utterly confused.
Nothing about trying to become pregnant has been clear, easy, and straight forward up to now................the road to baby is paved with utter confusion!
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