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Monday, 19 December 2011

The Sweetest Thing :)

As it has been a while since my last post, I thought I would post a little update. I am at work, sitting at my desk, and pretending that I am reading some important email....instead, I am blogging...good way to start this snowy Monday morning!

We had our first U/S last Monday Dec. 12. I will not post the U/S pictures here, as weirdly enough, I feel that the images are too private, but strangely I am comfortable describing them, and giving all sorts of other details about my infertility...the blogging world is strange some times...each of us tries to find that balance between privacy and reaching out for support.

I had been really nervous before the U/S. I had done research on google (that guilty pleasure and also my worst enemy!) and read for hours all about what I could expect at 6.5 weeks. Some people reported seeing and hearing the heart beat, other people did not.

The Dr. ushered us into the U/S room, and announced to me that it would be intra-vaginal (I am honestly  looking forward to the abdomen U/S from now on...I am a bit tired of U/S wands being stuck up my...beep...!!!)
So, once I was uncomfortably on the stirrups, the Dr. said: "OK, let's see if we've got a baby in here!"
Which quickly put me on guard. I was quiet like a mouse, waiting for him to say what he saw, because truthfully I cannot understand any of those black and white images. I was deathly scared that his silence would send me straight to panic-ville.....But...a few seconds later he announced that he could see the pregnancy sac, the yolk sac, embryo with a strong heartbeat!

DP and I held hands and held back the tears when the Dr. asked us if we wanted to hear the heartbeat. He turned on the sound and we heard it...a flutter that beat fast, really fast.

It was the sweetest thing...

Finally, it was real, we have ONE little miraculous little bean with a heart beating strong in there!!! :) :) We both felt overwhelmed by relief and sincere happiness. I think we even gasped audibly.

He measured the little bean at 6 weeks and 1 day and reassured us that he/she is growing well, and is exactly where he should be, making a nice little home in there.

I know I should be cautious, as the first 12 weeks are delicate. DP and I have not announced it to anyone other than our very very close family: our parents and a couple of immediate friends. However, it is getting harder and harder to contain the excitement, and to keep from sharing the joy we are feeling. We have decided that we will not announce it until after our next U/S which is just after the holidays (9.5 weeks) and we can have a better picture of this beautiful little miracle baby!

However, it will definitely be the sweetest Christmas, secretly knowing and praying for our sticky bean!

As a music lover, very dedicated U2 lover, here is the link to one of my favourite songs that plays in my head ever since:

Happy Holidays to all :)

Friday, 9 December 2011

Holding my breath...and believing....

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant.

As the days go by in waiting for our first U/S scheduled for Dec. 12th, I feel like all I do is watch the snow fall outside and bide my time. It has been a week and a half of complete stillness since the last BETA results.

I cannot describe the joy I feel to have had the confirmation of the pregnancy via the 2 Beta tests. It is so much bigger than anything I have ever experienced before I feel overwhelmed by it.
I feel like the luckiest person on the planet at the moment. And so thankful. And I am eager to let myself dream about all the amazing changes that will happen in my life from now on......except, I can't quite yet....There is a part of me that feels like I am still holding my breath. As if nothing can be real before I see those images on the screen. Maybe it's because of my lack of any evident symptoms, apart from the absence of AF, that nothing seems any different.

I am so eager to see and feel this life growing inside of me that I go on the websites where they have actual U/S images by week...and read about the stages of development of the embryo, and try to picture it inside my body.  It is still completely surreal.

This is where my agnostic and scientific mind (almost to the point of irrationality) is most evident. I have always been one to say: believe nothing until you see it, touch it, smell it, hear it. I need my senses to let me know that I am experiencing something. I must admit that I am not a person of large demonstrations of blind faith. Maybe because life has kicked me in the stomach   ovaries a few times, and showed me that bad things happen when you put your blind faith in something.

I was taught this lesson the hardest when I discovered my husband of 5 years (and 11 year sweetheart since college) was having a 3 year full-fledged affair with a work colleague. Yes, in hindsight I can say that there may have been signs, but they were subtle. And that very same concept of full faith and trust in my partner kept me oblivious to it for 3 years. After a very acrimonious divorce, which proved to me once again that my faith in the respect I thought would exist between us after our 11 year life together was completely shattered to pieces, I vowed that I would never put myself in such a position again. That I would be cautious with my trust and with my faith.

Maybe this experience shaped me to a point that I cannot be anything else other than cautious. I cannot be any other way. It changed me forever. I am not sure. It was even hard for me to recognize that  I had found real love  real love found me in 2009 when I met my DP. It was truly hard at the beginning, and I tread very carefully hoping for the best, and expecting the worst.

Infertility has definitely been a challenge for me in that sense. I have had to believe, and hope and pray (in my own agnostic kinda way) that one day I would be pregnant. I have had to let go of my need to control my emotional investment because, month after month, I realized that I was just as hopeful and invested as the previous month. It was a lesson in humility and faith.

And now I am pregnant. And I must believe. I must believe that everything will be OK. Real love has found me once more, and I must believe.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

The dream I never want to wake up from....

How are you all?

I have to say that I feel extremely happy that our first IVF seems to have worked and both DP and I are over the moon about our confirmed pregnancy. I have to confess, however, that I feel a little bit guilty boasting about it on this blog. So let me explain first....

Having gone through 13 eternally long months of TTC, full of doubt and fear that it may never work for us, I am still an infertile in my mind. And I think I always will be. Our infertility experience has marked us very deeply.

I am also very aware that so many people are struggling with infertility. Myself and my DP included. I want to share my news with everybody (which are very good), but I am very sensitive to the feelings of all those who are in the thick of infertility.

The only think I hope is that sharing my journey will be helpful for some, and offer some hope. That would make me extremely happy, and make my IF journey completely worth it!

Ok, so that being said, I will  indulge my happiness and my madness a little........please forgive me.......

So, here's the latest on the BETA: the nurse called me to announce to me that it is at 1861 on 19DPO!!!
And here is the freaky part, the nurses tell me that they are not accustomed to seeing such high numbers at their clinic so they are talking to me about the possibility of twins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is how the conversation went down:

Me: Whaaaaaaaaaat??? Twins??? You cannot be serious??? How could this happen if doctors only transferred one embryo???
Nurse: Sometimes there is a spontaneous split after the transfer....they could be identical there any family history of twins?
Me: Are you serious????
Nurse: You will know at the ultrasound. December 12th.
Me: Are you serious???
Nurse: we will be listening for 2 heartbeats.
Me: Are you serious???

Of course, I am sure that I am getting a bit ahead of myself here, because as I understand HcG levels are very personal, and sometimes they can be quite high in some women even with a singleton. But after the initial shock, I have to say that I am thrilled.Thrilled about the possibility....

DP and I used to refer to the baby as "the bubble" because the only symptom that I felt after the Embryo transfer was a little bubble in my uterus, the sweetest little vibration, so we began calling it "the bubble". Ever since this nurse's comments, we are talking about "Bubbles".

It is all unreal to me. REALLY. I am in disbelief. I feel like I must be dreaming. Although this is the dream that I never want to wake up from!