Holding my breath...and believing....

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant.

As the days go by in waiting for our first U/S scheduled for Dec. 12th, I feel like all I do is watch the snow fall outside and bide my time. It has been a week and a half of complete stillness since the last BETA results.

I cannot describe the joy I feel to have had the confirmation of the pregnancy via the 2 Beta tests. It is so much bigger than anything I have ever experienced before I feel overwhelmed by it.
I feel like the luckiest person on the planet at the moment. And so thankful. And I am eager to let myself dream about all the amazing changes that will happen in my life from now on......except, I can't quite yet....There is a part of me that feels like I am still holding my breath. As if nothing can be real before I see those images on the screen. Maybe it's because of my lack of any evident symptoms, apart from the absence of AF, that nothing seems any different.

I am so eager to see and feel this life growing inside of me that I go on the websites where they have actual U/S images by week...and read about the stages of development of the embryo, and try to picture it inside my body.  It is still completely surreal.

This is where my agnostic and scientific mind (almost to the point of irrationality) is most evident. I have always been one to say: believe nothing until you see it, touch it, smell it, hear it. I need my senses to let me know that I am experiencing something. I must admit that I am not a person of large demonstrations of blind faith. Maybe because life has kicked me in the stomach   ovaries a few times, and showed me that bad things happen when you put your blind faith in something.

I was taught this lesson the hardest when I discovered my husband of 5 years (and 11 year sweetheart since college) was having a 3 year full-fledged affair with a work colleague. Yes, in hindsight I can say that there may have been signs, but they were subtle. And that very same concept of full faith and trust in my partner kept me oblivious to it for 3 years. After a very acrimonious divorce, which proved to me once again that my faith in the respect I thought would exist between us after our 11 year life together was completely shattered to pieces, I vowed that I would never put myself in such a position again. That I would be cautious with my trust and with my faith.

Maybe this experience shaped me to a point that I cannot be anything else other than cautious. I cannot be any other way. It changed me forever. I am not sure. It was even hard for me to recognize that  I had found real love  real love found me in 2009 when I met my DP. It was truly hard at the beginning, and I tread very carefully hoping for the best, and expecting the worst.

Infertility has definitely been a challenge for me in that sense. I have had to believe, and hope and pray (in my own agnostic kinda way) that one day I would be pregnant. I have had to let go of my need to control my emotional investment because, month after month, I realized that I was just as hopeful and invested as the previous month. It was a lesson in humility and faith.

And now I am pregnant. And I must believe. I must believe that everything will be OK. Real love has found me once more, and I must believe.