Inconceiveable!

Hi there my fellow bloggers, anonymous readers and friends,

It has been over a week, or maybe even two since my last post.  I feel the need to explain this absense...

It all started so well, so optimistic, and full of hope. As far I remember, I was riding the TTC train, and psyching myself up to enjoy it, but I have to shamefully admit that I fell off the train. And it was not pretty…I fell hard and I could not get up again for days. The only thing that I could do was cry. I felt that I was now on a TTC rollercoaster and I was flying out of control. Thus, the short blogging break…I needed to gather my strength again to face the rest of my cycle…and most of all to face myself, and my own guilt for not dealing with things in a dignified manner. I am particularly haunted knowing that there are far worse things that people are going through at this very moment. And I feel shame for not being able to manage my disappointment…I needed some time to forgive myself for only wanting to see the proverbial two pink lines…nothing else seemed to matter.  

So, after that disastrous fall, I slowly picked up my bruised ego off the floor and decided to get back on the train. So here I am again! Where did we leave off? Oh yeah, when I last blogged, it was the eve of that dreaded HSG exa m. Good place to start again, and share my experience with my fellow TTC’ers.

As it turned out, the procedure was not as excruciating as I had imagined and read about in the different forums. Sure there was some discomfort due to the fact that you are using an x-ray table to perform what feels like a gynecological exam. And of course there is the intense pain at times while they insert things and push liquid through places where liquid has never been meant to have gone, but it was seemingly faster than I thought. Especially as the kind radiologist distracted me with the images of my reproductive organs on the screen next to me.

I was amazed by what I saw. For the first time in my life as a woman I saw what they call Fallopian "Tubes" on the screen next to me.  I was sincerely surprised by the images. They look more like dental floss...that does not a TUBE make!! In my mind, I had pictured them like reproductive super highways capable of directing the traffic of millions of eager little swimmers. No wonder, it must be by some sort of esoteric voodoo ritual that people actually get pregnant. It is a scientific impossibility judging from those images! I was in awe and in amazement and I walked out of the exam happy and confident, and convinced that it is NORMAL that conceiving should take some time. After all, it is a really complex process, the egg has to travel down the fallopian dental floss to meet the sperm who in turn have to swim upstream the same mini conduits...etc, etc, etc.... In my mind, the images I saw seemed to explain my challenges, and I felt satisfied.

And then IT happened: I got into the elevator of the hospital and saw one...a very pregnant one. WARNING#1: they are EVERYWHERE in hospitals.

WARNING #2: please don’t judge me too hard for this next bit.
Back to square one. Confidence shot. Reasoning out the window. It was like a kick in the stomach. My thoughts betrayed me faster than I could even think them: "why HER and not ME??" In the 3 min elevator ride together, I scrutinized her silently for any obvious sign of fertility (aside from her beautiful bulging belly, of course) that I may be able to mimic or take a pill for, or improve somehow. I am still uncertain what those fertility signs are, but I am determined to spot them one day! I exited the elevator full of guilt and remorse for thinking all those things that should never be thought. Once again, I felt nauseous, like I was about to fall off the TTC train.

Somehow, I am managing to hang on to a smidgen of hope until my next appointment with our RE when I can sit across the desk and look at him with a monstrous question mark on my face! NOW WHAT?

The whole thing seems....inconceivable...(PUN intended)!