It has been several weeks since my last post and since our unfortunate miscarriage. I have given myself some time off from blogging to deal and try to recover from the depression that this event sent me into. I feel it has been a necessary time to gather my strength.
I have learned many things about myself, my partner and life during this difficult time. Most of those things have been positive and I feel I have slowly begun to heal. I was deeply hurt, and my heart is open once again. I had lost all faith, and I feel hints of a new budding hope in my heart. I have begun to dream again. But surprisingly enough, I am not dreaming about getting pregnant, or whether a new round of IVF would work, or whether I will carry a baby to term. I am dreaming about me.
Since a long, long time, I am once again dreaming about my dreams, my aspirations, my soul, my body. It is unrelated to a baby growing inside me. Some may think I have given up on the baby journey. I have not. I am simply trying to live my life with the belief that I must live it well. Balanced, happy, and fulfilled.
After much reflection, I realized that the infertility journey, IVF and subsequent events had taken over my life. I was no longer living a happy, balanced life. I have felt many negative things and even made myself believe that I was not whole because I could not conceive or could not carry a pregnancy to term. What it did for my self esteem was disastrous!
It is with some sadness that I have decided to end this infertility blog.
As thankful as I am for having been in touch with some truly wonderful women that have encouraged me and shared their journeys with me, I feel that it is the right thing for me to pursue my other journey: To live life without the label of "infertile" hovering over my head. To forget that it is the thing that I want the most in this world to the point that it stops me from breathing.
I don't know whether I will ever be pregnant again. And whether it will result in a healthy baby, but I am letting go of the result. I surrender the control.
I no longer want to see myself as an "Infertile", I just want to see myself as ME: whole and beautiful and full of love that I can share in many ways.
I am very grateful for being able to share a wonderful Yoga practice on the beach with a lovely lady from California named Julie. At the beginning of our practice she read some words.
She said: "Find your prana (vital life, essence) and devote yourself entirely to it without focusing on the result, but rather giving yourself to the journey."
I am dedicating myself to healing me. I am dedicating myself to the practice of Yoga which has, time and time again in my life, been the essence of my healing.
I am dedicating myself to my recently discovered Mantra: Love and accept myself the way I am.
I am grateful for all your thoughts and positive energy. I am grateful for you.
All the best to you on your journeys.
Namaste.
Shantih
PS - feel free to leave any comments that you may want to share. :)
