2WW: Fear vs. Hope

Been a few days since my last post, but I have been trying to concentrate on resting and purposely staying away from blogs and forums to try and put "IT" out of mind....It is hard. I am undoubtedly in the very dreaded and excruciatingly slow 2WW.

Last Wednesday we were nervously led into the OR, for the second time in 5 days for our Day 5 transfer. The first thing that we saw as we were ushered in was a picture of an embryo on the giant flat screen hanging on the wall. Both myself and DP were both silently in awe although we were unsure what to think or what to say as we had never seen an embryo before. The doctors (husband and wife RE's) quickly broke our silence by happily announcing: you have a BEAUTIFUL embryo!
We both remained silent overwhelmed by emotion. At that point I could not utter any words, as I was invaded by hope again. Fearless and innocent HOPE.  Fat tears streamed down my face despite my efforts to contain them.

After the procedure which took only about 5 minutes, we remained in the room for another 30 minutes, as they recommend lying down immediately afterward for some time. We just continued to stare at the screen, and hold hands and smile at the possibility that this cell could be the beginning of the baby that we so dearly long for. I think we both love him/her already.

So, we are now at that dreaded 2WW. Full of renewed hope and fear all at the same time. The last 13 months have made us fearful and insecure, following the cumulative disappointment month after month. But IVF has of course made us hopeful again, it almost feels like we did the first few months of TTC.Why else would we put ourselves through this grueling and intensive treatment if we didn't think it would work? It's as though all those injections and hormones that I have put my body through were now demanding payment in incremental installments of HOPE.

OH MY! I am in for a big bill!!   

I haven't yet started obsessing about symptoms and I hope that my birthday this week will distract me from analyzing the symptoms since I simply don't have any! I will do my best to wait until the blood test, but can only take one day at a time.

Here I am...accidentally here, balancing on the tight rope between Hope and Fear...