To TEST or NOT to TEST? That is the question....

I have had many chances through my very first IVF cycle to congratulate myself for all the accomplishments, and the strength that I have shown through the process. I have to give myself that praise.

I don't know what is going on TODAY. Is it the hormones fest in my body that is finally making me despair? Or is it the bouts of emotional outbursts that always seem to be the prologue of an impending AF arrival? Or, (and this is the hardest of all options to type), is it the possible pregnancy that is making me act like a crazy woman?

Finally the fear vs hope struggle is coming to a boiling point within me...this wait until the BETA test is killing me.

I am constantly arguing with myself about the Pros and Cons of taking an HPT. And the emotional fallout that could succeed doing so. Neither argument is convincing enough, and I vacillate between one and the other dozens of times in a single hour! It is driving me BANANAS.

In one of those fits, I ran out of my office during lunch time with the excuse of doing errands and straight to the closest Pharmacy to purchase 2 FRER HPT tests.

They are in my bag. At my feet. Still in the box. I cannot bring myself to open it from sheer fear.


This is what 13 months of TTC and consecutive BFN can do to a person....

Tomorrow is my 38th birthday (yes I know, a really BIG number in the world of infertility!), and with it and this IVF cycle, are all my hopes and fears all wrapped into a box with a nice big bow around it.

It feels like a ticking bomb. I could either spend the day celebrating the most wonderful thing in my life, or........crying in complete disillusion and despair......


To Test or NOT to Test??